It is a fact that most undesirable immigrants remain here solely  because they generate a huge income for the legal profession so it is made  difficult and costly to deport them.

This idea makes them completely unattractive to the lawyers thus making deportation simpler.

Set up tribunals at ports and airports, staffed by two retired immigration officials with one official plus one security guard. There are cells to hold the deportees before they go, usually when there is enough to fill the boat or plane.

The cases last a maximum of 30 minutes, with 10 minutes for the Immigration Official to introduce the applicant and give background.

The applicant has 10 minutes to put his case.

Then the two adjudicating officers have 10 minutes to give their verdict.

There are no appeals.

The Officials would be paid £50 each per case.

To illustrate here is a not very typical morning.

The security officer is  Frank, the Immigration Officer is Fred, the two adjudicators are Jack and Jill.

Frank: Here is your first case for the day, his name is Aye Dol Git, he has been here six months and the only English words he knows are “human rights”, “benefits” and “get solicitor” and he has never worked and has got no passport or identification and we don‘t know where he is from except a lorry from Calais.

Jill: What have you got to say Mr Git.

Git: Human rights , benefits, get solicitor.

Jack: It is one of the rules that you have to speak English to get in.

Jill: Out !

Jack: Out!

Git: You rotten blighters, I have got tickets for Charlton on Saturday”

Jack: You are better off going then!

Jill: Take him away, who’s next.

A young couple enter the room.

Fred. These are Thoroly Niceguy and his partner Luv Lee Bum.

Jack: So I see.

Fred: They have passports and diplomas which have been checked out, he is a top IT Consultant and she is a School Teacher, they are getting married shortly.

Jill : Why do you want to get married, Luv Lee?

Luv Lee: I want to be Luv Lee Niceguy.

Jill: You have a job already?

Luv Lee:   With my name I never have trouble getting job!

Jill: Jack , you have taken your hand off my leg, put it back!

Jack: Sorry, was distracted, how about you replacing yours.

Jill: That Thorolly is really dishy, can we order a strip-search?

Jack: Control yourself, woman, what’s your verdict, mine’s - stay.

Jill: So is mine.

Thorolly: Thanks, anyone like to come over the road for a drink.

Fred: We would love to but Abu Qatarda is up next, good luck.

 Abu Qatarda is ushered in.

Jill: What’s the SP on this disreputable looking jerk?

Fred: Got into Britain on a false passport, lives in a big house on £30,000 per year benefits  and has cost the tax payer a million in legal fees, he preaches hate against us and all things British.

Jack: Blimey, Frank have you….?

Frank: No it’s him, has been doing it all morning.

Jack: That’s it then  OUT - all agreed.

Jill: Agreed - phew get him out of here!

Qatarda: I cannot go, I may be tortured.

Frank: Don’t worry, we are sending you back with Ryanair,(if you are Irish, it is Easyjet) so by the time you get there you will have no feeling in your arms and legs, come on - you. Ok, It’s coffee time, let’s go.

Jack: Just give Jill and I 10 minutes.

Frank: OK, but don’t make a mess on the carpet and open the window on your way out.

Ronald Bartlett/22 February 2009

Make a Free Website with Yola.